


I Think We're Alone Now

by PogoGogoMojoJojo (Give_me_socks)



Series: Herb & Dot tie the knot [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Dirty Talk, Fluff and Smut, Good Sibling Vanya Hargreeves, Gossip, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Minor Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Post-Canon, Relationship Discussions, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Rivalry, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:02:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26483863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Give_me_socks/pseuds/PogoGogoMojoJojo
Summary: Klaus calls a family meeting for an "emergency" discussion of Diego's sex life. His siblings are not impressed.
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves/Luther Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Lila Pitts, Diego Hargreeves/Lila Pitts, Dot/Herb (Umbrella Academy), Klaus Hargreeves/Original Female Character(s), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Herb & Dot tie the knot [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1909042
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	I Think We're Alone Now

* * *

Mandy swept past Klaus through the door he was holding open. Inside was an elegantly arranged drawing room, divided down the middle with an ornately patterned folding screen. On the side they had entered there was a chaise lounge and a low mahogany table, the perfect venue for a clandestine meeting about your adopted brother’s proclivities. She peeped around the final panel and saw the other half of the room was a similar size. A much larger table with gilded detailing stood in the center and a large wall mirror hung opposite. She turned back to the section they had first entered and fixed Klaus’ gaze.

“Do you ever think you might be too invested in your brother’s sex life?”

“Oh, now and again” Klaus looked sheepish “Well, all the time in fact, I think about my over-investment even more often that I think about Diego’s sex life, which is a lot! Hence the issue. And I haven’t even told you about the mystery that is Five or whatever the hell Allison and Luther are up to!”

She grinned.

“It’s ok, admitting you’re powerless and your obsession has become unmanageable is the first step in making a change”

Klaus stared at her; Mandy simply shrugged.

“I used to gamble”

“Huh. That’s actually one vice I’ve never indulged, except with my life obviously, but that’s hardly something of high value”

With a crack and a flash of blue light five was standing between then, still holding a glass of scotch. The remaining siblings, minus Diego, entered the room in the usual fashion at the same time. Five swirled the contents of his glass as Allison checked they weren’t followed and closed the door. He pointed one long finger at Mandy.

“Who is this?”

Unperturbed by the openly hostile and famously deadly assassin in front of her, she held out her hand for him to shake.

“Hi I’m Mandy”

Five extended his hand in turn but addressed Klaus “And what is Mandy doing here?”

“She’s friends with Herb, they used to work together back when he was on the infinite switchboard”

“Not here at the wedding. Here! In the emergency family meeting?”

Mandy shook her head as though still not entirely convinced she want being pranked and smiled as she replied,

“Oh, I’m just along for the ride at this point”

Allison dropped lightly onto the couch and crossed her legs, Vanya sat beside her, tucking her feet under herself.   
Five ran his spare hand through his hair, frustrated but not wanting to engage Mandy further and reveal how little understanding he had of the situation. He took a long draught from his tumbler.

“So, are we waiting for our hotheaded brother or is this more of a talking-about-you-not-to-you situation”

Luther, ever anxious not to have his position as Number One usurped by the eldest sibling, dropped his voice half an octave. This was his leader voice.

“Yes, Klaus, please fill us in, what’s Diego done now?”

“Well, it’s more a question of filling Diego in”

Mandy giggled, a forceful noise that she tried to stifle but just escaped through her nose. Klaus waggled his eyebrows at her “too cute?”

“I’m not in the mood for you to be cryptic Klaus.” Luther towered over the next tallest brother even when slouching. It matched his paternalistic tone. “Is Diego in trouble? Or is he about to cause some trouble?”

“No! God does everything have to be so doom and gloom with you? You’re really spoiling my buzz about this! Di’s not in trouble, he’s just…. been naughty”

Allison kept her gaze and voice level “Naughty?”

“Yah. Real Naughty. Its ok though, I’m sure Lila has him totally in hand”

Mandy sniggered through her nose again. Allison closed her eyes and took a deep breath, holding her middle finger to the point where her eyebrows were almost touching in a deep frown. A smile slowly grew on Vanya’s face as she began to see where Klaus was going with this “..wait..”

“Klaus” Allison clipped his name off at the end, annoyance evident in the single syllable. “If you have brought us all up to a restricted area at a very high-class venue managed by an assassin secret society, away from the wedding we are guests at, in order to make innuendo about Diego being into BDSM, I swear to God…”

“Firstly, Sis, it’s not innuendo if you know it for certain” Klaus pouted. Allison jaw tensed and she looked seconds away from throwing something, probably a punch. He wasn’t deterred.

“and it’s not BDSM, I assumed we all guessed that ages ago, no vanilla man owns that much leather. I know pros with fewer harnesses. And not budget pros either,”

Allison was biting her tongue. Klaus felt that underneath the anger there was probably a level of amusement. Allison was usually one of the first to give in to his temptation, but there was a heavy flush to her cheeks and he couldn’t say for certain he wasn’t crossing a line.   
Vanya lightly put her fingers on Allison’s leg and spoke softly

“Maybe you should get to the point Klaus”

Fine, make him blurt it out why don’t you.

“He gets pegged!”

There was a pause as everyone took Klaus’ proclamation on board. He was pleased to see that in the microsecond before he’d returned to his mask of indifference, Five looked surprised by the information. There was a twitch at the corner of his mouth, barely perceptible, that suggested more than that too: Amusement? Interest? Then it was gone. Vanya nodded to herself; she didn’t seem surprised. 

“Right, well if that’s all Klaus” Allison stood up and straightened her skirts, making a move to leave.

“What’s pegged?” Luther asked,

“It doesn’t matter… it’s not..” Allison waved her hands, clearly unsure how to finish her sentence. “Let’s go Luther”

“Its when a woman has sex with a guy with a strap on” Vanya said, deliberately not engaging in eye-contact with anyone in the room.

Luther’s face froze. His eyes were glassy and his mouth half open. He looked not dissimilar to Mom when she was rebooting.

“I, I don’t know…” Luther struggled

Five was the first to recover his faculties.

“To paraphrase, for the more sheltered among us: Klaus is alleging that he has evidence that Diego and Lila, in their private lives, enjoy when Lila wears a device that gives her an artificial phallus, probably made from rubber, plastic or silicon, and inserts that device into Diego’s anus in a inversion of the usual routine of male into female penetration.”

Five smirked as Luther opened and closed his mouth like a grounded fish in response to his explanation. “Is that a fair summary Klaus?”

“Oh, you make it sound so hot!” Klaus said, sarcastically rubbing one nipple “Have you thought about being a phone sex operator when you grow up”

“I’m sorry my describing your one brothers activities to your other brother was insufficiently erotic” Five deadpanned, he then started speaking to no one in particular.

“Interesting. I certainly would have thought Diego’s masculinity-based inferiority complex”- here he glanced at Luther, who shuffled awkwardly under the stare and turned to Allison –“would have made him hold back from subverting gender roles. But if he’s beyond it, good for him. I understand, it’s an unexpected turn of events.”

He paused and took a further swig, confident everyone was hanging on his words. Cocky little shit, Klaus thought as Five addressed him directly once more:

“What I don’t understand, is what you are expecting us to do with this information?”

“Isn’t that obvious?” Klaus asked. Four blank faces made no move to answer. “How are we gonna use this to fuck with him?”

“Oh Jesus!” Allison sighed. Five shook his head incredulously and returned to his whiskey.

“How to you even know?” Vanya asked, “I mean, I presume you’re not saying they were, you know, doing it at the wedding?”

“Of course not! I mean, Lila’s only carrying that nifty little red clutch purse, where would she even fit a dildo?”

“She could be wearing it?” Mandy suggested.

Klaus’ eyes glazed over as he carefully nurtured that mental image “Oh that’s hot” but Vanya brought him back to earth with a shake of her head,

“Her dress is too tight; you’d see the bulge”

“Vanya!” Klaus stopped his foot petulantly and shook his fist. “Why are you always such a spoilsport”

Five had leaned against the bay windows during this exchange, and all eyes turned to him as he cleared his throat, silhouetted against the setting sun.

“I think you might be giving Luther an aneurysm.” He drawled.

It was true, Luther still looked vague and dazed, like he’d been on the receiving end of one of his own punches. Still, everyone looking at him stirred his old instincts to take command. He ignored Five’s remark in favor of guiding the conversation into more practical territory.

“How do you **_know_** Klaus? Have you been spying on them? Or are you making up nonsense to, how did you put it, fuck with us?”

Klaus made a wounded noise and clasped his hands over his chest at Luther’s accusations.

“Et tu, Uno? Any voyeurism I partake in is fully consensual and agreed upon beforehand. If you must know, she sang it at him on the dancefloor”

Luther’s exasperation was rising, soon he’d be as annoyed as Allison. “She sang **_what_** at him on the dancefloor?”

Five seemed to have given up on behaving as though he was above the topic and settled for trying to be the wittiest in the room. “Oh, you know that famous bop, Luther. _I love you and the anal penetration we do_ ”

Klaus did his best to look affronted.

“Firstly, don’t use the word bop, you’re an old man in a tween’s body, you can’t use millennial slang without sounding off. Secondly, I would sing the hell out of any song with that title, please finish writing it, I’m looking for a new karaoke go-to. And thirdly Nhggghghhh!” Klaus pushed his tongue in front of his lower teeth and scrunched up his nose, the contortion of his beautiful features making the insulting grimace all the more horrific to look at. He returned to the topic of the song.

“No it was, I can’t remember the name” He imitated the female vocalist by putting on a triumphant falsetto and accompanied every lyric with a graphic mime illustrating their more salacious possible interpretations “Open up, I want to come in again, why don’t you open up that door”

Allison had deflated a little, her tone was completely neutral as she stared at Klaus  
“You have a weird, depraved little mind”

“You flatter me” He replied.

“It does feel like you’re reaching a bit” said Vanya, trying to bridge the gap “unless she was also doing those dance moves as she sang it”

“I’m not wrong about this! Trust me! I have excellent slut-sense. Now. We could just start dropping double entendre into conversation with Diego, but my heart says that’s a little unoriginal. My pitch is that we each buy a strap on, and we wear the harness…”

“I’ll see you later Klaus” Allison’s had finally reached her limit. She turned and strode to the door, she was halfway through when she froze and backed into the room again, closing the door as softly as possible and turning the lock.

“So, Diego and Lila are climbing the stairs and making out”

Klaus’ face fell “Oh, shitsnacks”

Five tilted his head to one side and smiled at Alison “Was Lila wearing a strap-on by any chance?”

Allison opened her mouth to retort but Vanya waved her hand and put her finger to her lips. As usual she’d heard it first.

Footsteps reached the top of the staircase and onto the landing. Diego’s stride, light but with the impression of weight behind it, like a big cat, was slightly slower than usual. Scattered with no order amongst his steps were the clicks of Lila’s court shoes, the irregular pattern of a woman putting her feet to floor only intermittently as she was half carried along. Diego said something in his low rumble which couldn’t be distinguished through the door and Lila giggled.

There was a rattle as one of them tried to open the door. Then a thud of a fist hitting the wood in frustration on finding it locked. Diego then. Lila must have said something, or maybe it was just an expression but Diego laughed, low and breathy, then continued manhandling Lila up the corridor.

“Thank fuck for that” Klaus breathed and everyone exhaled.

The other door to the room, the one on the far side of the ornamental screen, swung open forcefully and the giggling and rustling suddenly got much louder. Luther, whose head just extended above the dividing panels, ducked as quickly as he could and stood almost bent in half, panic spreading across his face. Five threw his palms out in front of him in the universal “What did you do that for?!” gesture. Luther was glad the need for silence meant he didn’t have to explain himself. The truth was he was still rattled from the previous conversation and his current folded posture was the result of sheer panic.

Five threw his hands up in silent frustration. As the seconds slipped by, so did their chances of looking innocent if discovered. Still, he couldn’t for the life of him come up with a bluff that explained why they were all crowded into an upstairs room, without inviting Diego. Perhaps the alcohol had slowed him down. And then, it was all over:

“Fuuuuck” Diego gasped “What did I do to deserve you, you beautiful, filthy bitch?”

“You don’t deserve me” Lila smiled “You’re just the luckiest little boy in the whole wide world”

No, they weren’t getting out of this. They just had to hope that during whatever was about to happen the lovebirds didn’t decide to explore their surroundings. Five gestured to everyone to sit down, as quietly as possible. Thankfully, even Luther’s lumbering frame managed it.

“Fuck, you’re so damn hot! I wanna taste you right here sweetheart. I wanna eat you until you’re seeing stars and you can’t walk straight.”

Five winced. Of course Diego liked talking dirty, any opportunity to hear his own voice. Vanya, still curled on the chaise lounge, looked guilty at intruding on something so private. Luther looked like he might cry. With his legs crossed and a pained expression on his face he seemed like a giant child.

Across the circle, sitting next to an astonished Mandy, Klaus was beaming. 


End file.
